Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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