and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
