My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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