Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
