he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
