I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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