also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
