brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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