we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
