i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
