i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
