Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
