I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
