im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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