I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Life without a bra equals bliss.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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