Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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