When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
