Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
