By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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