I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
