hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
