Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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