arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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