Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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