my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
