Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
