I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
