I love black thongs
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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