This dress was meant to end up on your floor
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
