There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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