I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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