My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
