ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize