I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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