All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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