No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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