you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
