Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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