This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
