Tell her she can't have a vagina
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
