i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
So vagazzling was a success
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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