u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
