Can i not drive my cunt home
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
