No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
