Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
