on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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