You can't special order awesome
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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