I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
