can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
