if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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