I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
