I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
