She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
