So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
