i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
