$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
