just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
