I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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