Someone shit on the floor
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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