Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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