Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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