We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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