Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
