Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
