I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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